Don't you wish you belonged to a club?

This sunday I was giving a talk in Wellington. The good people who booked me found the best venue in the world. The Lodge for the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes. 

This strange and wonderful group has a history steeped in mystery. In so far as surviving records can prove, the earliest known traceable date of a Lodge of the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes is the "Phoenix Lodge No.1" in 1822 at the Harp Tavern, Great Russell Street near Drury Lane Theatre, London and was created by stage hands and theatre technicians who had been denied a long held privilege extended to them by the actors and artists of the day.


The lodge in Wellington can trace its roots back to this first lodge. The lodge exists upstairs from the famous Bats theatre in Wellington. This theatre holds a special place in my heart my friends and I over the heady booze-fuelled days of our youth put on many shows on the stage there. We even established ourselves something of a cult following back in the day. Our performances were well known for their ability to test the limits of taste and professionalism.


I'd always been aware that the Buffaloes had their lodge upstairs but I had never been up there. Until this saturday. So here are the photographs of my visit. I think you'll agree the RAOB looks like an ace club with it's own strange rituals and wonderful rules.

After visiting the Lodge I think I want to be a Royal Antediluvian Buffalo. Who's with me? 

Since you asked...

Lately a lot of people have been asking me what it means when you have "a film by" at the start of a movie. 

What does this mean? In the industry this is referred to as a "vanity credit". The Spreety online site presents this as an explanation:

vanity credit n. 1. A credit given for work that one has not performed, such as a talent manager taking an Executive Producer credit on a film starring her client. 2. A possessory credit, such as “A film by [director’s name]” or “A [director’s name] film”. This presents the director as the principal creative force behind a work and discounts the importance of the contributions of the many others (often numbering several hundred to over a thousand) who participated in the work’s creation. 

Generally this credit appears on the work of a Writer/Director someone who has created the characters and story of the film. We see it on "A Quentin Tarantino Production" or "A Spike Lee Joint" these are well-deserved credits. These men have crafted these films from the idea stage, shaped the characters and threaded the storyline perfectly. We can see their skilled fingerprints on every frame and cleverly crafted line of dialogue. 

However the vanity credit doesn't have a lot of fans in the film world. Over at dvinfo.net here's what some people are saying about this subject. First up Robert K S:

Join Date: Feb 2002

Location: Cleveland, Ohio

Posts: 1,919

A film by Joe Johnston and John Fusco

I saw this rather unique "a film by" credit recently, on Hidalgo.

Generous of Johnston, and a unique way of diffusing the controversy of taking such a credit on a film where the director is not also the writer.

Apparently British director Mike Hodges does the same thing with his films.

Screenwriter David Goyer, famous for his comic book adaptations, once visited a class I was taking. "What do you think of the 'a film by' credit?" someone asked.

"It's a bullshit credit," he said, the contempt shooting from his tongue.

"So you'd never take it?"

"I'd never take it."

"What about for films on which the writer and the director are the same person?" I asked.

"It's bullshit. Filmmaking is a collaborative process involving the talents of so many people. A director doesn't have the right to claim that credit when it should also go to every other person involved in the making of the movie."

Goyer makes his studio directing debut with Blade III this year--we shall see whether he was able to shun the temptation!

__________________

All the best,

Robert K S

Then this from Imran Zaidi:

Join Date: Sep 2002

Location: San Mateo, CA

Posts: 3,782

I always thought that "A Film by" actually carried the mark of an amateur. I mean, when you are making a film in filmschool, and wind up writing/directing/editing/catering/driving/lighting and possibly even acting in your three minute short, well then okay- go ahead and say "A Film by John Doe" and spare us two minutes of screen credits listing your name fifteen times.

Having said that, as a writer, in the professional world my feelings are ; If you have any of the following THREE solo credits.

Writer (sole)

Producer (sole)

Director (director)

Actor (lead)

Then go ahead and lead with "A John Doe Film" or "A Film by John Doe" So I would be okay with a Orson Welles or Kenneth Branaugh on a couple of their projects. 

__________________

Imran Zaidi

Trustee

Then finally Philip Boyer had this to add: 

"A Film By" is a vanity credit that a lot of people (especially screenwriters, search for that phrase at Wordplay and you'll be surprised at the strong feelings it invokes) wish would go away. The thinking among people who don't have the power to make the claim of "A Film By" is that too many people put too much effort into a film for one person to claim the film as by him.

__________________

Philip Boyer

Taking Mr Boyer's cue I scooted over to Wordplay to see what they were saying about this credit. Boyer's right there are a lot of strong feelings about this. Too many to repeat here but they all pretty much boil down to the same thing and are summed up here by Wordplay contributor Kent Jensen:

When you *write*, cast, design sets, oversee makeup & costume directly, storyboard, light the set, set up the shots, actually DIRECT the actors in stage movement and help bring the level of emotional response needed, gain cooperation out of your producers, view the dailies/reschedule, ensure that the film to video/digital transfer is done right, edit, mix, review scores, re-edit, ensure that the final print is cut correctly and approve the check print --- THEN, gawddamnit, that person deserves the credit of "A FILM BY"

Kent finishes by putting his money where his mouth is by saying:

Yes, I am militant on this. I have told my producer in Norway, that if I ever let him put "A FIlm by Kent Jensen" at the start of a film (commercial, short, feature) that I've directed, even if I've written it as well, he may punch me repeatedly.

Kent's rant is an old posting but it was actually the first post that came up when I did the search. The others all pretty much echo his stance. Have a look for yourself.  

So in response to your question "what does A Film by" mean? I can't really tell you. As far as I can tell if you have written and directed your film then you deserve to have this credit. 

The Toilet of Terror

A little while ago I visited a friend's house and I enjoyed some liquid beverages. Naturally this afforded me the opportunity to use his facilities...

Seems innocent enough right? A collection of cute little plastic animals to keep me company while I take a whizz. But look a little closer...

Is it just me or is there something menacing in that dinosaurs eye? 

Or is it the way it's head is cocked - gazing into my soul? Nah it's just my imagination surely.

And that's Shiek. Beloved CGI children's character. Nothing to fear from this jolly chappy right? But why are his eyes so red?

He's watching me with those demonic red eyes. Cold dead eyes. Come on Nick snap out of it.

But then there's donkey. Look at that expression. Is he snarling at me? And those eyes. Dear God, those eyes, look at those staring fixated eyes... 

He's looking right at my junk like some kind of psychotically charged beast with a taste for male genitalia. 

Please, I beg you, take it away. 

So anyway that's the reason I peed in your garden. Sorry Stephen. 

His Shady Self

Right so here's something new I found on the ground recently (adding to my growing collection of odd things I've Found on the Ground). The transcript is as follows...


"This mate of mine his names Niko. Hes not just the average mate or ya average jo, you see, hes not actually alive, hes one of them ghost folk.

He came to meet one day when I felt a plop on my shoulder & a rustle in my ear, I thought to myself that I might had a bug of some sort caught in my hair but no this was Niko a pint sized ghost.

I was a bit weirded out at first and proceeded to try and swipe him off my shoulder.. as you do, but to my demise that wasnt gonna do shit coz my hand just went straight through his shady self without any affect to him.

Anyways what happened pretty much is I got stuck with Niko for a few years which wasnt so bad at times" 


I have no idea what this is about, but what a find. Is it a creative writing project? Or is there someone out there who genuinely has a ghost folk on his shoulder? We will never know and that's the joy of this bit of sweet finding. 

Pocket of Hope

For me the news started non-eventfully. A text from a friend in Christchurch saying that they'd been hit by another aftershock. They've been having a lot of aftershocks down there since the biggie in September. So my first thought was - oh just another shake.

But sadly the news proved to be a lot more dire.

At the time of posting this the news is reporting 300 people are missing and possibly dead. A city that was just getting itself up off the mat has been dealt a king hit. My heart goes out to all my friends who are enduring what the media is describing as a "war zone".

However in amongst all of this ugly disheartening news this morning we had one small pocket of joy. Literally. A group of 15 survivors was discovered in a collapsed building. This is a time when we must celebrate small miracles like this. The world can be a dark place but if you look closely you'll see patches of light so beautiful it can bring tears to your eyes.

Celebrate today by taking someone you love in your arms and telling them how much they mean to you.

***UPDATE***

Sadly this report about the 15 survivors has proved to be incorrect. I think part of us as human beings clings to things like this in the false hope that it must be true. That in amongst the carnage there has to be stories of miracles. There must be. The truth is there are stories of survival all over the city sadly the media is too busy filming the blood and reporting the misery. There have been stories of heartbreaking tragedy I know but there is light people were being rescued from buildings on a hourly basis for a while there. Let's not forget while the bad news fills our screens there are countless untold stories of people who have found their loved ones alive and have held them in their embrace tighter than they did a few days ago.

When Nick met John

So I was at the M2 awards on Thursday night. Easily the best night of my year so far. In amongst the food and booze and celebrities I was introduced to John Key the prime minister of NZ. He was voted by the M2 readers as the M2 man of the year.

Behind me is a huge picture of JK from the mag. As usual I couldn't help myself. I pointed out that on the front cover of the mag his tie is undone.

"It's a bit sloppy John. I don't know if I want someone running our country when they can't even dress themselves properly. "  

This was his reaction. 

Afterwards he said "my tie's done up now though". "Sorry John" I explained. "The damage has already been done." I guess I could've used this opportunity to discuss his stance on selling state assets but - to hell with it - I went for the gag. Because that's how we roll in the Wood of Kings. 

Kenny's Cafe R.I.P.

Some sad news today in the Dominion Post. Kenny Cafe has closed. This was a real Wellington Institution. The place you went to late at night to soak up the beer. I loved this place. Their crumbed lamb chops were, without a doubt, the food of the gods. Even now just thinking about them my tastebuds are getting all misty.


I remember when my friend Corey left NZ to follow his true love to London I promised to take him out for dinner. I think he thought I was going to take him to Logan Brown but instead I lead him to Kenny's Cafe. We stood outside and he looked at me. "Are you kidding?" He said. I smiled and said he had the choice to go anywhere else. He grinned we both went inside. Corey is a big noise in Advertising these days but one of the first ads he did when he was training was an Ad for Kenny's I still remember it. 


It was a billboard and it said "Focaccia? We won't have that language in here mate" Kenny's Cafe. 


Genius and it summed the place up perfectly. When I wrote my first film I set a scene in Kenny's. A scene that summed up my nights in there. It was a love letter to my younger days with my friends Charlie, Waz, Chris, Mike and Seany. Drunken nights where mischief was never far away. The movie was Stickmen  - it was my first film and still easily my best. Money was tight I'd written too many characters and too many scenes. Michelle the producer came to me and said we need to cut down on locations are there any we absolutely can't lose? I said two. The Bucket Fountain and Kenny's Cafe. So it was that Kenny's was immortalized on screen.


Here repeated for your reading pleasure is the Kenny Cafe Scene from Stickmen. Farewell Kenny's you are missed. There's not much of the old ways left. Damn I wish I knew the last time I ate Kenny's Crumbed Lamp Chops was going to be my last time. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to have a little cry...  


INT. KENNY'S CAFE. NIGHT.

Kenny's Cafe is a Wellington institution. Late at night, or early in the morning, Kenny's is the place you always seem to find yourself gravitating to. Taxi drivers, old businessmen and drunks, usually populate it.

The decor is strictly Formica tables with fake wood finishes and greasy plastic display cabinets. As far as the food goes, everything is fried and the salads are nothing but limp pieces of lettuce. Still, late at night, nothing beats Kenny's.

JACK, WAYNE and THOMAS are sitting down to a feed of Kenny's famous fry-ups. WAYNE is busy emptying a bottle of tomato sauce all over his crumbed chops. They're all a bit worse for drink but WAYNE is the worst of all of them.

JACK

Okay so you're stranded on a desert island and you can only have one CD, one video and one book. What are they?

THOMAS

All right, book I'd have The Power of One...

WAYNE

I'd have the Encyclopedia Britannica. It'd take me ages to read and I'd always be finding out about something new...

JACK

Wayne that isn't just one book, that's a whole lot of books. You can only have one book.

WAYNE

Says who?

JACK

It's the rules of the game.

WAYNE

Okay then I'd have the N-Q part of the Encyclopedia.

JACK

Yeah whatever Wayne. So Thomas,which video?

THOMAS

RoboCop.

WAYNE

That's a classic. I'd take Die Hard. One. Not the other two... They were a bunch of arse.

JACK

CD?

THOMAS 

It's a record... Solid Gold Hits number twenty-seven.

JACK

What?

THOMAS 

It's got all my favourite songs on it. Lucy and Ramona. Coward of the County. Come on Eileen. The Devil Went Down to Georgia...

WAYNE 

Wow it's like someone reached inside your soul... I'd take Rodney Rude Rides Again. That's the funniest album ever... When the guy who's just a head gets a hat for his birthday and he says - "Not another fucking hat!"

WAYNE collapses into a drunken laughing fit. JACK and THOMAS stare at him. SARA the waitress comes over. She's got the X-factor - earthy sex appeal, a certain style and her tongue always planted firmly in her cheek.

SARA 

Anything else for you boys?

JACK 

Yeah you're on a desert island and you can only have one CD, one video and one book...

SARA

Easy. Book - The Power of One. Video - RoboCop. CD - Solid Gold Hits number twenty-seven.

JACK and THOMAS look at each other dumbstruck.

THOMAS

But those are...

SARA

Your choices. I know, I overheard you talking before.

SARA shoots THOMAS a winning smile and a wink. With that she leaves and begins clearing another table.

JACK

You are so on...

WAYNE

Not another fucking hat...

CUT TO:

EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE KENNY'S CAFE. NIGHT.

JACK, THOMAS heave an extremely drunk WAYNE into a taxi. 

CUT TO:

INT. INSIDE THE TAXI. NIGHT.

SARA comes out of Kenny's and hands THOMAS a napkin through the taxi window.

THOMAS

What's this?

SARA

My phone number numbnuts.

THOMAS

Listen I wasn't coming on to you, I just...

SARA

Yeah, yeah save it for someone who cares. This is my number. If you feel like using it I'll make the time...

THOMAS looks at the napkin. 

THOMAS

Thanks ah...

SARA

Sara. It's there at the top.

She points to the napkin. 

THOMAS

I'm...

SARA

Thomas Doyle - I know. See you later RoboCop. 

SARA disappears back inside Kenny's Cafe.

JACK

She's keen.

THOMAS

Yeah but Marie...

JACK (Mocking)

But Marie. But Marie.

THOMAS

She's my girlfriend.

JACK

Does she know this?

THOMAS

We live together.

JACK

She’s never gonna find out about a little waitress fun...

WAYNE 

I loved Linda.

THOMAS and JACK groan. They've heard this one before.

WAYNE (CONT'D) 

One minute she's there... The next she's gone. She was my honey...

CUT TO: 

INT. WAYNE'S FLAT. NIGHT.

Flashback sequence. WAYNE'S flat is a small one bedroom affair cluttered with model planes, a beer can collection, empty pot noodle containers, rugby magazines, an airbrush painting of a bare-breasted Amazon and lots of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan movie posters.

WAYNE is sitting on the black fake leather sofa playing Playstation on the TV. LINDA walks in the front door behind him.

WAYNE

(Without taking his eyes off the game)

Hi honey.

LINDA looks at him and waits for him to say something else. Finally she storms off into the bedroom. When she comes back she has a suitcase. She waits for a reaction - nothing - she leaves through the front door slamming it behind her.

WAYNE (CONT'D) 

(Again without taking his eyes off the game) 

Hi honey.

INT. INSIDE THE TAXI. NIGHT. 

WAYNE is all teary-eyed.

WAYNE

I loved her and she left me.

JACK

They all leave mate. They all leave - it's part of the game. 

THOMAS

Here we go.

JACK

There's two kinds of women out there mate. Bitches and sluts.

THOMAS

How do you tell the difference?

JACK 

A slut sleeps with everyone and a bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

THOMAS

You need help mate. Hang on why aren't we driving anywhere? 

We pull out to reveal that there's no driver.

JACK 

(laughing)

Cause the driver's in there having dinner.

JACK points into Kenny's Cafe. We see the driver eating in the window he smiles and waves.

CUT TO:

I'm tempted to change that last line to FADE TO BLACK. Sigh.