Flight of the Penguin

I'm a professional writer so one of the questions I get asked the most is "where do your ideas come from?" Usually I simply say: "I steal them from other people."


But the truth is I have no real idea at all.  Many years ago I remember hearing a very successful writer speak and he said he never has any ideas, he simply spends all his time preparing a runway for the ideas to land. At the time I thought he was just giving us a glib answer. However in my ten years as a paid writer I have come to believe him. I say "paid" writer not to show off or let you all know that I get paid to do this but to remind you (as I do to myself daily) that the roof over my head and food in my belly is reliant on the words I produce. 


No words - no beer and biscuits. 


Some days I panic what if I'm not good at this? What if I wake up and I can't write anymore? What if they all discover what a fraud I am? I have no idea where the ideas come from. How can I find more when I don't know where to look? However most days I just get over myself and get on with the job at hand - telling a good story and telling it well. 


Then recently I had a huge crisis of faith. I was so utterly and completely cut down by one persons comments that I was literally unable to work. In fact I hated facing the blank page. Despised it. The joy was gone. Why write when the work I produce is so under-valued by others? That all the months of effort I put in are seen to be such an utterly worthless contribution to the process of making a film? All it took was one person to cut me down so cruelly and that was it, I couldn't get up again. 


If the world doesn't want me to write I won't. And I didn't. 


But then something happened that reminded about the landing strip of ideas. 


Now bare with me here...


It started with a visit to buy hubcaps. My runabout car (not the Kingswood) is missing a hubcap on the front and the back hubcap is stuffed so I thought a new set would be in order. 


There's this place around the corner from me that has always intrigued me. It's a crazy old run-down oil-stained shop with piles and piles of hubcaps and chrome in the window. Second-hand hubcaps. Now I had and excuse to visit the shop and see what it's like inside. 

As it happens it was run by a delightful old guy in oily blue overalls with a permanently bemused expression on his face. The place was utterly deserted, there were no lights on, half an engine was lying on the floor as I entered and a car seat was blocking the "press for service" button. 

The old guy took ages to emerge from the dark hallway at the back of the shop and when he did it seemed that I had totally inconvenienced him by turning up as a paying customer. Anyway after our transaction was finished I left the shop and walked past the shop next door. 

And this little fellow caught my eye. A strange bird with a label around his neck saying "HI" MY NAME IS NEIL!

The shop was a furniture shop selling second-hand restored wooden furniture and nicknacks. I went inside and there was a bloke staining a set of drawers in the main entrance area. 


He looked at me and said, "What were you doing next door?" 


"Buying hubcaps", I replied. 


Given that was all the hub cap shop seemed to sell I would've thought the Stainer could've figured that out himself. He just nodded and went back to his drawers - I was another inconvenient paying customer it seemed. 


"What can you tell me about the bird in the window?"  


Without looking up the Stainer said:   


"I can tell you his name is Neil."


He offered me no further information. And do you know what? That was good enough for me. The little guy was a reasonable price so money changed hands and Neil rode in my passenger seat home. It wasn't until much later that night I realised that the old guy in the oil-soaked shop next door was called "Neil" as well. 


So Neil the penguin is now sitting on my bench top at home. Looking at me. I don't know what it is about him but he intrigues me. There's an idea for a story here but I'm just not sure what that story is. But what I do know is that the landing lights are on so my seatbelt is secure, my tray table is folded away and my seat is in the upright position. Prepare for landing.  

Hard as Bricks

This is an actual picture of a Desert Eagle pistol designed by Magnum Research in USA and manufactured by IMI in Israel. An iconic weapon. So I thought it might be fun to try and make one out of Lego. With apologies to Dan who suggested I make it out of cheese and also to Kal who isn't happy about the opportunities modern Lego offers us.  


So step one. Take a big pile of black Lego. 

Then I guess the best place to start is the handle.

That's looking good. Now maybe I should randomly move on to the main body of the weapon. 

That's the trigger. I'm using a rubber band to make it work. Oh yes did I forget to mention? This will be an operational handgun. John Malkovich used springs in his plastic gun in the movie "In The Line Of Fire" but the problem with springs is they tend to set off metal detectors so mine will be utilizing the mighty power of rubber. Anyway, moving onto next steps... 

There's the handle in the background, awaiting some attention. The firing mechanism is coming together nicely I think you'll agree. Next we need to start bringing this puppy together.

There we go. Looking more and more like a bought one. 

 And finally some sexy shots of the complete article. 

And here is is in action. 

So now. Bullets. The actual Desert Eagle fires .357, .41 and .44 Magnum cartridges. Now I suspect that they might cause my lego gun to explode in my hand so in the interests of safety I will be using .50 Action Express cartridges in my Desert Eagle.

I'll be taking it out to an isolated lake close to my home to test it tomorrow if anyone is interested in coming to have a look. However - be warned - I will have to kill you afterwards. 

m.o.d.

Time to start ticking off some of these projects. 

Sometimes I get an idea and it just sticks. So anyhoo I was in the hobby shop and I spotted these tiny guns. The chaps who make the little ward dioramas use these kits to tool up their soldiers. (If you're interested that's a spanish chocolate bar in the corner it's important to keep your energy levels up when you're working hard on these projects).

I was looking at the kit and part of me said "I want them." So I bought them. Then I decided to stick little pins to them. 

Then the next step seemed to be to paint them white. 

Then I had a bit of a go at how they might look mounted up. 

Not bad. A little more finessing perhaps. And maybe a title.

And a fancy frame. 

And I'll put it up on the wall and take a smart piccie of it with my hipstermatic. 

Out of focus and a bit crap but they look well smart. Honestly. Continuing my gun theme my next project will be building a replica dessert eagle handgun. But what should I make it out of? Hmmm.  

The King of Road...

Those of you that know me know that I love my Holden Kingswood. She's a beaten up old girl but driving her is an utter pleasure. She's not built for driving around town - this beast is made to escape on adventures. But she's in need of some TLC and the time has come to start tidying her up. 

The last owner installed air shocks in the beast. This meant she kept deflating and dragging on the ground. If the back seat was full on my fat mates this resulted in a shower of sparks and having to stop every half hour to re-inflate the shocks. Not great so out come the shocks and some new beauties go in. While I was there I decided I might as well put some new springs in too. In go-faster red no less. 

Nice. Now the other problem with the car have been the mag tyres... 

They're old classics but sadly the aluminum has become porous over the years. They had a slow leak and would go flat after a few days sitting up. So I’d be stopping to blow up the shocks and the tyres at regular intervals! In fact once of the back left one decided to blow on the Foxton bridge - the bridge is two very narrow lanes on state highway one. No pulling over. I had to keep driving and shred the bloody tyre. The end result wasn't pretty. 

So new mags. These proved pretty difficult to source. There’s not a big market for new mags on a car that’s 38 years old and not many around. But some rum chaps in Ozzie do make them. However I did have to sit around and wait until they had enough orders to press some new ones. They’re simple and not too fussy and they rejoice in the name “spitfires” Brent at Browning Motors was happy to buy the old mags off me so they’ve gone to a good home. It was a rainy day when I put these beauties on but there was sun shining in my heart I can tell you. 

Ooo aren't they sweet? It was a some hard work but I can report that she’s riding like a dream and I’m using a lot less “free air” If you fancy a spin when the sun comes out then give me a shout. We’ll roll down the windows, put on our wrap-arounds and blast some AccaDacca out the speakers. 

Projects-a-go-go

What the hell have I been doing? Well I originally set up this blog to document the many projects I've got going. However the projects are proving to be a lot more complicated than I first thought and I haven't had as much time as I'd hoped.

So this is something of a teaser. Here's an insight into some of the things I'm currently working on. Some of them speak for themselves while others can afford to be a bit more mysterious until I unveil them in the hopefully not-to-distant-future.

Wicked News!

This is a prop that the director made for his new movie.  It's not often you hear about the director making props. Well this is no ordinary movie and neither is the story behind it. 

It's been a while since I posted anything - I've been developing some fun projects for you people - but now I have something really important to write about.

I'd like to say a big, fat congratulations to my fine friends Simon, Bob and Maile. 

A while ago Simon came to me with a mad - but brilliant - idea of setting a TV series in an old folks home. I built on it and created a story about an retired cop who comes out of retirement and goes undercover into the home. 

We took the idea to the networks and predictably they didn't like it. "Nobody wants to see old people". 

So we moved to writing it as a film.  I didn't have the time to commit to the screenplay but I suggested Bob Moore. 

Bob is a very good writer and an even better friend. And he's married to my cousin (nepotism at work folks). I lent a hand as best I could as script consultant. But Bob didn't need much help he wrote a cracking little script that is involving, funny and  bittersweet. 

Then they needed a producer. Someone smart and hungry. A producer they could trust. A producer who could bring it in over the line. So naturally I turned to the girl who broke my heart when I was 23. Welcome to the madhouse Maile. She was a perfect fit. 

The team was in place. First time feature film director. First time feature film writer. First time feature film producer.    

It was all go. They have all worked their guts out and last week they received news they had received funding to make their movie. It's been a lot of hard work. For no money. For a long, long time. For a project that initially didn't receive a great deal of support. 

But Simon, Bob and Maile stuck at it and now they're going to be filming their movie in a few months time. Needless to say a lot of people are wondering how this project came out of nowhere. Well the simple answer is it didn't come out of nowhere - three people have put their hearts and souls into this project for longer than you might expect. A lot of late nights and a lot of hard graft.    

This is what happens when you have a dream and work hard to make it happen. They're an inspiration to me and they should be to you as well. 

The film is called - aptly - REST FOR THE WICKED. These guys haven't got much rest bringing it in and I'm sure that won't stop when they start filming.  

Check out my Junk!

So what have I been doing over the month of July? Simple answer. I've been collecting my junk mail. Usually I just take all the crap that turns up in out mailbox and throw it straight into the recycling bin. However I got seized by an idea.

I decided to see how much junk mail I receive in a month. This is the final result. Flyers. Leaflets. Giveaway papers filled with Ads. Now I'll be honest with you July turned out to be a bit of a lean month for junk mail but it still made a pretty heavy pile. I weighted it on the bathroom scales and it came up 2.5kgs.

So lets do some simple math. 2.5 multiplied by 12 months. That's 30kgs! Now according to WikiAnswers 1.3 million people live here in Auckland. Now I don't have access to how many homes there are but lets say four people to a residence. That's about 325,000 houses. Multiply that by 30kgs. That's around about 9,750 tons of junk mail a year!

Once more for the hard of hearing 9,750 tons!

The same weight as a WWII Royal Navy Cruiser. Now also it takes 17 trees to make one ton of paper. So that's 165,750 trees that die so we can hear that pizzas now have 10% more cheese.

I am not by any stretch of the imagination a tree hugger but I can't stand junk mail. I'll be putting one of those "No Junk Mail" signs on my mail box. But can I - one man - make a difference? Auckland city council if you're listening then please stop this unsolicited madness! Love and hugs. Nick Ward. Now what will I do this month?

Anyone else want to weigh their junk? Go on I dare you.