Wednesday, April 28, 2010


In an effort to keep you lovely people amused and make joining my blogg worth your dime I have decided to post this piece of writing from my past. I wrote this a long time ago for M2 magazine. It was gentler time when Chuck Norris facts were all the rage. They never published it because they were afraid of being sued. I don't know what all the fuss is about because most of this is true. Probably.

Where Are They Now? Chuck Norris.

“Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.”

Wednesday 25 January 2006. The internet posting on read as follows:

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) - Chuck Norris passed away from a massive heart attack.

Chuck Norris, at the age of 65, passed away from a massive heart attack. He was at his home working out on his Total Gym, having sex with his wife, fighting three ninjas and playing with his kids when he suddenly complained that a train was running over his heart. The autopsy revealed that Chuck Norris did not have a heart, nor was he even human.

There is a great deal of debate about Chuck Norris’s origins. But whether he was created in as part of a secret military experiment or discovered washed up on a beach after a meteor shower this much is certain he was born. If hatching from an egg counts as birth.

Chuck Norris was born March 10th 1940. He is part Irish, part Cherokee Indian and part industrial earth-moving equipment. Norris wasn’t born in the traditional sense instead he punched his way out of his mother’s womb and grew a beard shortly afterwards. Contrary to popular belief there isn’t a chin under his beard just another fist.

He spent his early childhood engaged in a number of pursuits. In this time he counted to infinity, twice. He also perfected the art of internal cooking with allowed him to cook food to temperature of up to 200 degree Celsius within his stomach cavity. What’s more it was during this time that Chuck discovered he had two speeds - walk and kill.

By age fourteen he was ten feet tall, weighted two tonnes and could breath fire. At age fifteen he became the first man ever to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis. During his life he has never taken a shower he prefers to have bloodbaths instead. He also sheds his skin once a year and doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

In 1958 Norris joined the US Air Force as a Military Policeman and Weapon of Mass Destruction (a term that was originally coined to describe Norris). He was sent to Osan Air Base South Korea. The Korean war ended shortly after the army announced that Chuck was coming. It was in South Korea that Norris acquired the nickname Chuck - due to his favorite pastime of chucking people into the sky. One of this commanding officers once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

It was also in Korea that Norris began his training in martial arts. He mastered all known martial arts in a single afternoon then killed all his teachers so they could never hand on the details of his training sessions. This peak in roundhouse-kick related deaths of black belt teachers is often referred to the Walker Chainsaw Massacre in honor of him - but no one ever calls it that because they’re frightened he’ll hear them.

Norris returned to The US and set up a series of karate schools across the country. With the money he made he brought an ice cream truck which he covered in skulls and still drove up until his death. This was also where his life long interest in hunting began. But because the word “hunting” implies a sense of failure he never uses this term instead Chuck Norris goes killing.

Norris also made his moves into the entertainment industry - staring, producing, writing, lighting, directing the hugely popular Walker: Texas Ranger TV series. At one time this was the only show screening on all tv stations in the US mainly because the networks were too afraid to say no to Norris and the general public was too afraid to watch anything else in case he caught them. The credits that roll after Walker: Texas Ranger is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Chuck Norris used to start everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

In recent years Norris has become the object of an Internet phenomenon known as Chuck Norris Facts documenting and proclaiming fictional, often insanely heroic feats and characteristics. Norris has written his own response to the parody on his website.

“I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet,”

He goes onto invite anyone who’s interested in the real facts about Chuck Norris to purchase his autobiography and threatens to roundhouse kick them if they don’t. So as you have no doubt guessed Chuck Norris isn’t dead - he’s just waiting.

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