Wicked News!

This is a prop that the director made for his new movie.  It's not often you hear about the director making props. Well this is no ordinary movie and neither is the story behind it. 

It's been a while since I posted anything - I've been developing some fun projects for you people - but now I have something really important to write about.

I'd like to say a big, fat congratulations to my fine friends Simon, Bob and Maile. 

A while ago Simon came to me with a mad - but brilliant - idea of setting a TV series in an old folks home. I built on it and created a story about an retired cop who comes out of retirement and goes undercover into the home. 

We took the idea to the networks and predictably they didn't like it. "Nobody wants to see old people". 

So we moved to writing it as a film.  I didn't have the time to commit to the screenplay but I suggested Bob Moore. 

Bob is a very good writer and an even better friend. And he's married to my cousin (nepotism at work folks). I lent a hand as best I could as script consultant. But Bob didn't need much help he wrote a cracking little script that is involving, funny and  bittersweet. 

Then they needed a producer. Someone smart and hungry. A producer they could trust. A producer who could bring it in over the line. So naturally I turned to the girl who broke my heart when I was 23. Welcome to the madhouse Maile. She was a perfect fit. 

The team was in place. First time feature film director. First time feature film writer. First time feature film producer.    

It was all go. They have all worked their guts out and last week they received news they had received funding to make their movie. It's been a lot of hard work. For no money. For a long, long time. For a project that initially didn't receive a great deal of support. 

But Simon, Bob and Maile stuck at it and now they're going to be filming their movie in a few months time. Needless to say a lot of people are wondering how this project came out of nowhere. Well the simple answer is it didn't come out of nowhere - three people have put their hearts and souls into this project for longer than you might expect. A lot of late nights and a lot of hard graft.    

This is what happens when you have a dream and work hard to make it happen. They're an inspiration to me and they should be to you as well. 

The film is called - aptly - REST FOR THE WICKED. These guys haven't got much rest bringing it in and I'm sure that won't stop when they start filming.  

Check out my Junk!

So what have I been doing over the month of July? Simple answer. I've been collecting my junk mail. Usually I just take all the crap that turns up in out mailbox and throw it straight into the recycling bin. However I got seized by an idea.

I decided to see how much junk mail I receive in a month. This is the final result. Flyers. Leaflets. Giveaway papers filled with Ads. Now I'll be honest with you July turned out to be a bit of a lean month for junk mail but it still made a pretty heavy pile. I weighted it on the bathroom scales and it came up 2.5kgs.

So lets do some simple math. 2.5 multiplied by 12 months. That's 30kgs! Now according to WikiAnswers 1.3 million people live here in Auckland. Now I don't have access to how many homes there are but lets say four people to a residence. That's about 325,000 houses. Multiply that by 30kgs. That's around about 9,750 tons of junk mail a year!

Once more for the hard of hearing 9,750 tons!

The same weight as a WWII Royal Navy Cruiser. Now also it takes 17 trees to make one ton of paper. So that's 165,750 trees that die so we can hear that pizzas now have 10% more cheese.

I am not by any stretch of the imagination a tree hugger but I can't stand junk mail. I'll be putting one of those "No Junk Mail" signs on my mail box. But can I - one man - make a difference? Auckland city council if you're listening then please stop this unsolicited madness! Love and hugs. Nick Ward. Now what will I do this month?

Anyone else want to weigh their junk? Go on I dare you.

That Wonderful Sinking Feeling

Das Tub. Here's a fun little story and the fun little story behind the story. A little while ago a myself and a group of my mates where sitting around at a BBQ and we started rifting on a rather silly little idea. Why do aliens travel millions of lightyears to visit our planet? From this simple premise we came up with a series of very funny ideas. Ideas that I took away and wrote into a fun little short film.

Just an exercise in fun really. Anyhoo then I started thinking about how could I get my alien story on screen. It wasn't the usual dark, depressing kiwi short film. No poor Maori children being beaten by their drunk father. Nobody commits suicide. And their was a distinct lack of a quirky loner. So chances of getting it funded and made? Zero.

Then I remembered that my friend James Cunningham was teaching at the Media Design School here in Auckland. It's an excellent course and then end products come out looking pretty dam flash. Added to this James himself would be directing it. James is the director of the outstanding short "Poppy." So cheeky sod that I am I gave him the script. Maybe his class could make it as a project?

The answer was yes. James liked it and his class loved it. Just one small problem. They didn't have enough time or manpower to make it in it's original form. Any chance we could cut it down? As a screenwriter we live in a world where we watch our babies being interfered with on a daily basis, so since I was donating my work for free naturally I wasn't interested in compromising it.

However the doorway was open. They wanted a film and I wanted to write one for them. So I went over to James' house and we sat down over a few beers and came up with a whole new story. Something they could make in the time and would offer a suitable challenge. Das Tub was the short film we created. It was strange, fun and most importantly it was short. Sidebar: too many short films aren't short at all, sorry but fifteen minutes isn't short! I think short films should be ten minutes max.

Right putting my soap box away now.

So the class liked the new script and we were away. We were also lucky enough to attract the acting talents of two of our countries finest actors. The devilishly hansom Craig Hall and the multitalented Gareth Reeves. These guys brought their A game.

The finished result speaks for itself I haven't been this proud of something I've produced for a while so please sit back and enjoy...

DAS TUB.

On The Road Again..

My Dad is ace. When I think of all the projects I want to get finished - and share here on my blog - I don't even come close to the aceness of my Dad. All my life he has been building things to such and expert finish it has made me look at him as a man who always gets things done. On one of my recent movies they needed a 1915 brass radiator Model T so my Dad built them one - in three days! He can build and make just about anything. But since 1979 there is one thing he hasn't been able to finish. A 1933 SS1 Jaguar. This car has fraught my father at every turn. But he has kept at it. He has has found unfindable parts. When no plans or photographs existed of details of this vehicle Dad would discover someone somewhere with the answer. It's been hard on him. A few years ago after spending years shaping the side of this car he discovered the door didn't fit. The Jag is "coach built" which means it is essentially metal panels nailed to a wooden frame. So, as you can imagine, fixing this problem wasn't easy. In fact when it came to building the car much of the frame had actually rotted away. It was as much a carpentry job as it was an exercise in panel beating. Dad and I have always had a friendly bet that he wouldn't finish this car. $100. I'm happy to announce that yesterday I lost that money when my father took me for a ride in this wonderful car. Yes you can shift from fourth to third gear and he had to tied the exhaust on with his jacket when it fell off on a test run but just over thirty years from whoa to go the SS Jaguar is on the road. Number 28 (it left the factory on the afternoon 23rd March 1933) off the production line and believed to be one of the oldest in existence. And my Dad fixed it. Proud? You bet your cotton socks.Well done Brian Ward.

Never stare directly at an Eclipse!

I'm visiting Wellington (the Capital city of New Zealand for my overseas readers) at the moment and today some worrying news has come over the local wire. It seems a 23-year-old man was found at Reading Cinemas in Wellington after a screening ofThe Twilight Saga: Eclipse last night.

I'd always suspected that the Twilight movies were capable of inducing pain but now it's seems that they can actually cause death. Watch at your own risk.

Very Fane.

Not Fane! The headline screamed. Now those of us that know and love Dave Fane are more than aware that his style of comedy is, to say the least, confrontational. One of my earliest memories of Dave was him standing on a stage at a fringe festival opening party holding a noose and asking loudly into the microphone “which one of you niggers wants to get hung?” That was almost fifteen years ago I think. So was I surprised when he hit the front pages of national news(sic)paper with his comments? No I wasn’t but I did think it must’ve been a slow news day. It was a public lynching! And Dave was the darkie being hung.

Dave is a warm, wonderful and very funny man. He’s a man who loves his Mum. He’s also a comedian. He’s a joker who has been testing the limits of comedy for many years now. He has created and voiced some of the best-loved characters on Bro Town - a New Zealand TV show that is actually funny. Characters that make merciless fun of Samoan, Maroi, Chinese and Indian stereotypes. Did anyone complain then? No we were too busy laughing. A couple of those characters are actually gay. Rodney McCorkenstein-Taifule is a sympathetic well-rounded character and much of his humor doesn’t rely solely on his homosexuality. In fact his friends blindly accept his sexuality and it’s not an issue.

Yes HIV and genocide are big, serious subjects but we have to be careful about what we make out-of-bounds for comedy. Comedy shouldn’t have limits. I freely admit that there are some subjects that I don’t find funny but here’s what I do - I don’t laugh. It’s that simple. Comedy must test the limits of taste and it must prod the sensitive subjects. That’s its job.

I was recently MC at the Readers and Writers Week. It was my pleasure to introduce many of the speakers over the course of a day. I made a few risque remarks which the audience laughed at. However afterwards a woman came backstage at the Aotea Centre (no easy task it’s a warren of hallways) and found me. She was middle-aged with her hair pulled back into a tight bun, pursed lips and librarian glasses. She asked me if I was the MC and then proceeded to tell me that I was offensive. Not what I said but me personally. She went out of her way to give me negative feedback. There were fourteen year old girls in the audience she explained. What did I say? Did I expose myself to them? No what offended her was I said “Writing a book is much like making love to a beautiful woman, you have to know exactly where to stick your bookmark.” I didn’t drop a c-bomb or a f-bomb. I was introducing Charlie Higson and was rifting on a comedy character he created called “Swiss Tony” a man who equated everything to “making love to a beautiful woman”. Far out. Luckily I didn’t make the front page of the paper. At the time I didn’t have any witty come-back when she called me offensive but I realised that what I should’ve said was “Yes I am now fuck off you bitch!”

Here in New Zealand we have a sector of our community that are quick to be outraged. But the sad fact is that pinched-lipped woman probably enjoys licking peanut butter off shaved basset hounds in the privacy of her own home. The people who are so outraged by Mr Fane’s comments no doubt dress up in Nazi uniforms at home and pray to god to wipe the homosexual blight from our shores.

Dave isn’t a hater. His humor brings the haters into sharp focus. What’s more his comments were taken out of context. And he’s said sorry. So leave the guy alone and a word to our nation publications - go and find some real news you lazy hacks.

Drink like a Viking

You haven't known vodka until you've drunken it out of a human skull I say. Thousands of years ago, thirteen crystal heads were scattered across the earth - and they are greater and more powerful than anything we have the ability to manufacture today. Their workmanship is perfect: they contain no tool marks and have been cut against the natural axis of the crystal, defying the laws of physics. Some say they are artifacts from the lost civilization of Atlantis, some say they date back to the Mayans, still others say they were created by a higher intelligence.

So it was only a matter of time before someone took crystal skulls and filled them with Vodka. The perfect combination of Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World and created by the original Ghostbuster himself - Dan Aykroyd. Made in Newfoundland, Canada from local water; quadruple-distilled (from what I do not know; guessing wheat); triple filtered through “diamonds” (Herkimer Diamonds are actually quartz, alas; several brands already do quartz filtering); and bottled in an insane decanter in the shape of a skull. It's virtually impossible to get in New Zealand - I had to order this in and it wasn't fucking easy - but for those of you travelling abroad why not seek out a bottle of this wonderfully unique and eye-catching drop. It's a pure spirit, 91 point rated vodka with an immediate vanilla punch and a clean, crisp. There’s no medicinal flavor here at all. Yep it's the good stuff alright and when you've finished imbibing the bottle is sure to find pride of place as a talking point in your home. A spooky talking point.

If you'd like to learn more check out Dan Aykrod talking about the "Invisible World" here. Part informercial part mad history lesson.